Oct 29, 2012

Season of Another Change

October 2012

Dear Chase-

We have moved and are now trying to get settled into the new home.  This past two months has been quite a whirlwind.  Over the course of the two months there is one thing that I am reminded over and over.  “We are not in control!”  Everyday I wake up with intentions to conquer this little world that I live in, trying to make it fitting to our life and feel accomplished by days end.  Over these past couple months that has looked like packing boxes and preparing for our move from our “Drew” home, the only house we knew you in, and trying to unpack and settle into a new house that's not so familiar.  As I look back over that time what did I really accomplish and truly have control over?  My attitude, I guess, is all I can think of.  Yes we had a deadline to be out of the new house but in the scheme of things that's it.  It didn’t matter how stuff was packed, it mattered that I took time and I sat amidst my pain and grief for weeks and allowed God to work through me and into me a peace about leaving a very familiar and comforting place where I held you for the 27 precious months you lived here on earth with us.  That time also allowed me to accept that our “Drew” home was and is just a material piece of this world that too could have been taken from us in a flash.  God has helped me and has been so gracious to gently remind me daily that it doesn’t matter where I am, where I live, what situations lie ahead but that you are always with me in my heart.  Trying to control life I realize only brings me down and removes all joy from within me.  My daily prayer is to find contentment in this life as life quickly moves forward and to brace myself for the bounce between depression and joy.  Again Chase, thank you for blessing my life with your abundant joy and really making me dig down to understand and see what life is really about.  I always thought that I would be teaching my kids about life, but you have opened my eyes and are guiding me to eternal life with you.

I love you Chase-

“I can do all things through him who gives me strength.”  Philippians 4:13  

Photos of your brother and sister Fall 2012
Brady rock climbing

2012 School Photo
Ready for hockey
Betsy talking on her headset
Little Red Riding Hood hiding behind dad
Enjoying the Halloween party

May 20, 2012

A week's reflection

May 13- One week ago today marked 14 months since you went to Heaven to be with Jesus, Mother’s Day and your baby sister’s baptism.  My heart was full of emotion.  That day as a mom I had to mourn one more day of missing you Chase, be grateful that I am a mom blessed with three beautiful children, and turn to God in front of a community of people to baptize Betsy and make a promise that I will raise her in the Christian faith.  Thank you Chase for filling my heart with peace, getting me through that day and reminding me again and again that life is so delicate and that I need to find the joys amidst the chaos.

                                      My three sweet children on their Baptism day!
Brady Evan
Chase Michael
Betsy Grace


May 14- Betsy turns One!  Where has one year gone?  Happy Birthday to my sweet Betsy.  The joy and happiness you exert is one much like your brother Chase.  You are filled with a great love for life and a smile that catches everyone’s eye.  Happy First Birthday, We love you!

                                                           First Birthday Cake Pics
Brady Evan
Chase Michael

Betsy Grace

Feb 13, 2012

Happy Valentines Day Chase

Dear Chase-
Early this morning I woke from a dream that I was having.  In this dream I could see you but unlike my other dreams this time I couldn't hold you.  There were porch windows between us.  You stood as a 2 year old on the outside looking into the porch at me with great love.  I was the only one that could see you and looked back at you with love and brokenness.  I quickly woke from a loud fuzzy sound that was coming from Betsy's monitor.  As I laid there broken hearted, wishing I would fall back asleep and back into that dream to see your face and maybe even get the chance to hold you, I started to reflect on our life a year ago and what a Valentine you are.  You have taught me and brought me closer to the true meaning of love and to stop the chaos and busyness of life around me and not just say the words I love you but understand what love is.    Love is a choice that requires an unconditional commitment.  When I think of what love is 1 Corinthians 13 comes to mind.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13 1-13

Reading this verse gives me the hope I need to make it through this 11 month and Valentines day without you here on earth.  Again I want to thank you for continuing to teach me and inspiring me to be a better daughter in Christ, wife, mother and friend.

I Love you Chase

PS: I wrote you a "roses are red" valentines poem:

Chase my little Valentine so true
your love shines and guides me through. 
Every time I see your face
my heart cries out for your sweet embrace.
My Love for you so strong and pure
I try to hold on and keep you near.
Each day that passes by,
I hold out for God's victory cry
and the day that I will hold you again
warms my spirit and lifts my chin.
Happy Valentines day to my precious boy
your tenderness brings me so much hope and joy!
I Love you today, tomorrow and forever

One of my favorite videos of Chase!

Jan 13, 2012

Thank You!

Chase Michael Peterson
It has now been ten months since we have lost a huge part of our heart and our sweet boy Chase.  The time has come and gone as I continue to sit in this grief with a very heavy heart, hoping that with each new day I would wake up from this bad dream.  I sit at the edge of my chair looking into a world that is no longer mine, no longer ours.  I repeatedly ask myself where am I and what happened to this "perfect" world that we were embarking on as a family of five.  I tend to focus in on "with a blink of an eye" anything and everything can change, and change it did.  Each new day brings me a challenge, will I get up and face the day or will I hide in the darkness.  Most days I don't have a choice, I have to pull myself out of bed to tend to a 7 month old and a 4 year old, two very important people in my life.  I also have this profound strength that gets me up and going about my day when I just want to shove my earplugs in and cover my head with the blankets on my bed.  That strength is where you come in and my belief in Jesus Christ.  I figured it would only be fitting to start this blog off with that THANK YOU! I can't even begin to tell you how grateful we are for all the love, support, and prayer you have showered our family with over the last 10 months. Meals, cleaning, groceries, babysitting, emails, texts, cards, flowers, gifts, goodies, you name it, it shows up to our door and into our home with love written all over it. It is a love that has continued to carry us through and sustain us.  And just when you think you have hit the bottom and don't know how you are going to climb out and face the new day, that love shows up through an act of kindness or shout out.   You may not have realized that at that moment you made a difference and shined a ray of hope and a breathe of life into our lives.  With each piece of your love our hearts slowly continue to fill with hope, perseverance, and strength. We hope that through this grief and pain, Chase's memory will live on to be a guiding example of what great love, faith, support, and hope look like amidst the very hard times.  As we continue to press on through the heart ache and sadness together, we need to remind ourselves that we didn't lose Chase, Chase went home to be with Jesus.